zippers are such a cool invention
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
