He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
