Whatcha textin bout Willis?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Houston, we have a squirter
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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