in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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