me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
