I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
