I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
