Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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