I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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