i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
