I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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