So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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