The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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