Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Randomize
