i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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