my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
