I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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