The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
