i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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