I molested 6 butterflies tonight
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
