Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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