Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
