What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
do herpes really smell.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
