Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
