i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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