Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
