How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
