you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
