Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
