I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
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On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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