I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
