So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
