Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
