I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize