I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
