Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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