Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
