The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
