Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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