Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
only if we run a train.
done.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
