Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
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Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
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I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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