please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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