I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
