i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
