and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize