Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
