I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Sorry about my life...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
jump out the window naked night went bad
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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