I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
