I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
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We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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