Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
