I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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