This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
