I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
